Hook-up Sites - Grindr, Adam4adam, Manhunt & BBRT

I originally posted this on August 18th on whospositive.org - It's a thought provoking article hence the reason I am re-posting it. Since I wrote this some things have changed - like me now in a relationship - however my thoughts remain the same.  - Tom Donohue 

I wonder, how many people have been infected with HIV as a result of the nearly instant ability online hookup sites such as Bareback Real Time (BBRT), Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Grindr and others have on people.

I don't blame these sites however they do help enable folks who are looking for hookups to - well hook up. Don't get me wrong - I too have listed myself on these sites, and recently I have deleted my accounts with the intention of going back to the old days to meet new folks. Well, sort of. I've committed myself to getting actively more involved in my own community - this will allow me to find more likeminded people to associate with in a non-sexual atmosphere. I've also turned to places like Facebook, although about 107 miles from DC, I've met some really awesome guys in a group called DC Hope. It's a community that hosts social events and some of the folks I have met from this group I have socialized with outside of the group.

Online social hookup sites enable those seeking sex to find it. In some cases, GPS has allowed for you to find 'friends' in your neighborhood allowing for just minutes till you are able to engage in some sort of (generally prearranged) sexual act. I know folks in some cases have met the love of their lives and are having a great relationship - in those rare instances these sites can be a great resources. Realistically we all know, deep in inside most folks do not use these sites as dating sites.

It's not just sex. It's drugs too. More and more individuals seeking sex are looking to 'parTy'. No, it’s not your typical college get together. The 'T' refers to crystal meth, or 'Tina" and the party refers to sex, group sex. In most cases, random anonymous sex in groups and typically HIV status is generally assumed or never discussed. Some sites such as bbrt, or adam4adam actually have fields you can search to seek out other folks who use drugs. This too enables guys to use or even find drugs. You can even post parties - now, both of these sites do not promote drug usage nor can you post ads which suggest you want to use drugs, but come on - there is a large population on these sites who use these sites solely for that reason.

Let’s get real about online hookup sites. They are not dating sites – I don’t care how much you convince yourself they are – they’re not. If your boyfriend is on Grindr – he’s probably cheating on you – surprise! This is 2012, every computer and every phone has a camera on it. If they don’t have a picture, there is a reason – however I do understand those folks who are not out wanting to get in on the craze of online look ups, honey just know, when you hook up – your community instantly knows about you – for the most part the ‘gays’ are usually not a silent partner.

Look, my post is intended to pick on the social gay hookup sites. I myself needed to realize that I was not going to find my best friend, my partner and the one I want to share the rest of my life with on these sites, it hasn’t happened in 10 years, I need to switch it up. That, I am ready for. I know the sites can be good for some – some actually do meet the love of their lives, however for most, it’s a hook up, it’s almost like an online bath house where you can whittle down your perfect guy by using the search option or you can refresh the list until that perfect hunk of a picture shows up, but then what? You send a wink or a oink and the conversation turns to how big are you, or whether you are a top or bottom. What ever happened to the wooing? Has that been redefined or has it disappeared?

I sure hope not.

This is the new Tom, a single very caring romantic & sensuous guy who seeks his life partner, someone to share life with and its experiences with. I don’t care if you are a top or bottom, or how big your cock is, I want to know about you, your hobbies, likes, politics. I want to experience the funny, goofy side of you, the things only we’ll know about, I want to see you disheveled in the morning, I want to make us dinner or hit a movie. I’d like to grab that first kiss when either of us don’t expect it, and fall asleep with you mistakenly while watching a movie on the couch. Meet me, the new Tom, a guy who has renewed his commitment to making a difference in this epidemic, who is not perfect and has flaws but who has made some great changes that make me a much better person and a much better friend.

Mark today. Today is a great day, a day that changes everything.